I never finished or posted this so I'll post now as written. Sorry that it kind of ends on a depressing note...I promise I didn't intend on that happening...I probably got distracted with something else... So it's been awhile since I've done this thing. It's been a grueling 2 1/2 months, actually. 2 months of married life...2 1/2 months of life post m/c (miscarriage). And today is the official LAST day of the year!!!!! It's been a LONG year. Actually, it's been very short...but so much has happened. I continued to struggle through bouts of depression - going through the cycle of trying to stand, falling, trying to at least crawl, getting a foot on the ground, then stumbling again.... I also met, fell in love with, and married my best friend. We found out we were going to be parents, and then in just 2 months time found out we had lost that baby who we had already fallen so in love with. I am so looking forward to the New Year. How great a reminder of the freshness and newness there is in life with Christ? That everyday is a fresh start!!! I have to be completely honest in saying lately I've just really allowed things to pull me down. It's kind of like when your swimming, and as long as you lay back and relax, you can float. But as soon as someone or something (a burden) is set ontop of you, you cannot help but to tense up. Inevitably, you sink.

Daydreamer...

Last night was horrible! I've been dreaming so much lately. Usually my dreams aren't clear and when I wake up, I forget what they are, but recently my dreams have been so vivid and real. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's a nightmare (literally), and sometimes (like last night) it's just not fun. Beginning of my dream, I am late to our wedding. People have already shown up. For some reason, I am being wheeled around in a wheelchair (though I am able to walk quite normally). For other reasons unknown, I hadn't been there to help decorate the church. I am quickly informed that the runner was destroyed - apparently, when taken out of the bag, it quickly disintegrated into a million fragments because too many people were trying to grab it and lay it out. I turn to see my dad handing out bells for the ceremony, and he is wearing a hideous pleated dress/kilt sort of getup (which my mother is also wearing), and when I ask what the deal is, he just laughs and says "the people at the tux place said this was the new style - I figured I needed to be stylin' at least for your wedding". So I sigh and ask my mom where my dress is so I can go get ready, and she hands me this dark blue tweeded material suit (manly - with huge shoulders, a tie, and everything). I fight crying, but decide that this isn't the worst thing that can happen. So I ride into the dressing room - which is full of kids running around like they do - and I sit in front of the mirror and almost decide not to fix my hair (which is thrown up into an extremely messy bun). I sit there just looking at myself, wondering if I should even ask about the bouquets, and eventually I wake up.

A time to laugh...a time to cry...and a time to trust...

So our 12 week appointment was this past Tuesday. We went in, began the routine, and the heaviest thing on my shoulders was the hesitation to step on the scale. When the doctor went to listen to the baby's heartbeat and couldn't find it, however, I no longer cared about how much I weighed. My heart kept whispering to the baby, "come on, baby, let mommy hear you". Finally the doctor decided we needed to do an ultrasound. When we got settled and our baby was on the screen, my mom and sister and Danny by my side, the technician and doctor informed us that the computer was not picking up any cardiac activity. We could also all see that the baby wasn't moving at all either (which is abnormal - by the 12th week, fetal movement should be highly visible). We were sent to another facility to get a second ultrasound with a more detailed and sensitive machine, which showed the same results - we had lost our baby.
As we sat in the waiting room, a million things ran through my head. Well, to back it up a little further, when we parked in the garage at the second facility, I heard God telling me to stop crying and that everything was going to be okay. Of course I took this and ran with it. Basically, in my mind, "okay" meant that I was going to go in and see the baby moving with a strong heartbeat, and we would all go home happy and still able to skip merrily through life, trusting in God.
The hardest thing in the world is to trust God when things go horribly wrong. I cried most of Tuesday, a lot of Tuesday night, and quite a bit on Wednesday. Today I went in to have a D&C done (look it up for more info). At first, my firm decision was to let nature run its course. The doctor and my family, however, urged me to have the procedure done. After picturing myself at home alone and "it" happening, I quickly decided to have the D&C done as soon as possible (which, again, ended up being today).
It's all been very weird and very emotional - but mostly its all just been exhausting and confusing. One of the most confusing and hardest things to think on has been this: it's all wonderful and somewhat comforting to hear that, yes, God had a purpose for this and that, yes, it's better this way than for it to happen another way (like to be stillborn, or die shortly after birth), but this is how my mind works.... I sit back and go "wait....You are GOD!!!! You could've reached down, touched this baby, and made it all okay. Even after the first ultrasound, You could've breathed into that baby, and made it all disappear, made the baby wake up, made the heart beat, made her dance so that we could see her moving....WHY DIDN'T YOU???"
And my parents are right when they tell me that none of us know the answer, and we may never know the answer. It's not apparent why some people go along and have a great pregnancy, healthy baby, and never miscarry in their lives - and why others feel robbed of that chance from the very beginning. There are women out there who are blessed so much to have child after child...some of those women also either have abortion after abortion, or abandon and neglect their children one after the other. Then there are some women who will never be able to conceive a healthy child on their own, and yet we all see what wonderful mothers they would be. And only God knows why these things happen. I trust and choose to believe that this is not the beginning of a pattern in my lifetime. I truly believe that Danny and I will go on to have beautiful children for the Lord - we are young and have so many years ahead of us. My heart goes out to those families that have been trying for years with no success. And not being able to see the future, I also say (both hesitatingly and painfully) that should Danny and I become one of those couples...
One of the scriptures I was reminded of yesterday as I sat in the waiting room for the second ultrasound was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When faced with death by incineration, they believed their God would save them...but they also chose to stand and say "but even if He doesn't, He is still our God, and we will still serve Him alone" (paraphrased, Daniel 3).
I believe that the Lord will bless us with children. But even if He does not, He is still God. Even if I don't have the answers to everything, He is still God. He never promised that I would fully understand things. (In fact, he promised the opposite.) He never told me that my definition of what is "good" would be His definition of "good", or that my will would match up to His sovereign will. I'll end on a part of this song I've heard a few times in the past that goes (something) like this..."[He] never told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me."

Here comes the bride...dah da dadaaa....

These past few weeks have been exhausting!!!!!! So....for those of you who don't know, I'm getting married October 27th (two weeks from this coming Saturday). I have been going crazy crazy crazy with last minute planning things...including (but not limited to) making pew decorations, making flower arrangements, ordering cakes and flowers and cupcake toppers, handing out last minute invitations, ...
I kind of have a little break tonight. It'll be the first night in awhile that I don't have anything planned (although I forsee something popping itself up last minute). Tomorrow night I'll pick up my dress. :) Our living room is disastrous. There are flowers spread out all over the floor, plastic cups and plates and toule and serving platters and all that junk stacked in bags on the futon, candles/flower arrangements all over the tables and tv...and pinned to the wall is a layout of what the archway flower arrangment will look like. haha... I wouldn't say that I'm a nervous wreck, but I am getting anxious for the day to come and go smoothly. Biggest worries: 1) I won't fit into my dress 2) people won't show up 3) something will fall apart during the ceremony or at the most opportune time at the reception 4) the cake will be ruined on the way to the church 5) decorations won't come together like I envision they should. Besides all that, I'm great. And I have a new theory: Danny isn't worried about anything. At all. Hakunnah Matatta. Joy to the world. Life is peachy. Before, it kind of made me stand back and go "wait a sec....what in the world are YOU supposed to be doing?" But then I realized that probably most every bride in the history of bridedom has thought this once or twice, and that, honestly...I might have a problem marrying someone who was just as worried as I am about the flower arrangements and the way the candles flicker through the glass votives. :)

Old post...

Here is a blog I found from when I was in China...it was saved as a draft and never posted...It actually was never finished (I stopped at "NO!"). So I went ahead and finished it so I could post it. Have fun!:

One week left. I was supposed to go to Beijing today with my students, but last night they found me and told me they couldn't get a taxi to take us to the train station (none of the taxi drivers wanted to wake up that early to take us). So we went to this little city and walked around. It was actually a great experience. We had to take two buses to get to the city, and that was an experience in itself.

So I have a great story...too bad I can't tell it until I get home. :/ Tomorrow I am going to Beijing with my very good friend, Alice. We'll have a meeting in the morning and then go to the Summer Palace afterwards. Monday the students have to do their final exam, "Microteaching". They'll each teach for about 7 minutes from their textbooks. Thursday they have a post-listening test. Really, they don't get an official score - it's really grading us and how well we did in teaching them (how much they've improved). That night we'll have class parties. Emotionally, I don't think I'm ready for this week. At the beginning, my students asked me "will you remember us when you go home?" Now they keep telling me "we'll remember each other forever." This summer has just given me a totally different perspective. It really is an eye opener when you have to define certain things - when you say something and you just get a blank, unaware stare from the person you are talking to. So just a thought: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinth. 13:12) "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge..." (2 Peter 1:5-8) So we strive to grow in Him, right? why? so that when we see Him face to face we can puff out our chest and say "I advanced! I became the best I could be!"? NO!: If 2 Peter says there is an ineffectiveness and an unproductiveness that can be had in the smack center of knowledge, then knowledge alone is not good enough. (How refreshing that is to know!!! So many people fear witnessing because of their lack of knowledge - how great is it to know that knowledge does not equal to being effective and productive!) It's so awesome to think of all of the knowledge that exists in the universe, in all of creation, in all of eternity, and in light of God. To illustrate, imagine that your computer screen represents all of the knowledge to be had. And you, you smart little thing!, contain exactly one pixel of knowledge out of the whole screen. Now even this is an overestimate of any one man's knowledge, but indulge. Now, looking from the outside in, seeing the whole screen o' knowledge, don't you think that there's a possibility that in today's society, the little box we've packaged our Creator in - just might be too small? Maybe I've gotten ahead of myself here. The fact is, that in our one pixel of knowledge...we can't possibly see the whole picture, and we won't until we meet HIM face to face! Now if you were our Lord, and you left us one resource to share the gospel with a dying world...knowing that we only see one pixel of your great picture....would you choose our resource to be knowledge? HA!

So now reread 2 Peter 1:5-8: "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge..." Yes, we are called to add knowledge to our goodness...but what about faith and self-control, perseverance and godliness, brotherly kindness and love??? See without the rest, we are no better off than the pharisees of Jesus' day. Which leads me to such a great passage...(and I'll leave you hanging there to ponder further for yourself...)

"If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

Days of Our (Pregnant) Lives...

Wow...well I never thought I'd be a cry baby, but it looks like the shoe fits at this point in my life. In the past two or three days I've become become addicted to youtube. I mostly watch music videos - but I also torture myself with A LOT of baby videos. I've cried more times in the past two days than I have in my life I'm sure. And I'm not talking boo-hoo, one-two tears kind of thing. I'm talking there is a rainstorm exploding out of my eyes and sobs that make my torso shake so much I'm sure the baby is down there taking notes on "how to have a freak session like mom". See and these aren't fits of inner-turmoil...no, no - I cry because I see a baby getting it's first bath and she is just throwing a fit (new competition in the crying game)... And then I think what kind of mother am I going to be??? Seriously, I cried today because I know I'm going to have to see my baby cry like that - and I'm going to have to know what to do about it.

So that's just one of my recent obsessions. I've also become a huge dork when it comes to our baby's development. So somewhere I read that mothers who are pregnant with their second (or more) child can feel their baby move early on since they know what to look for. I read that some mothers even feel the baby move as early as 9 weeks! So I get all snotty and think "hey...how hard can it be to distinguish fetal movements from gas?" So that night I'm laying in bed, and I'm being super still, not saying a word, becoming one with my lower abdominal gurglings... about ten minutes later I gave up because after each gurgle followed a clear and definite sign that these were not fetal movements.

Anyway. So I will officially be 11 weeks on Monday. I had a dream last night that I was at my 12 week appointment and we were watching the ultrasound and the baby was just jumping around as healthy as can be. I really feel that it was a reassurance from the Lord. The past few days have just kind of been quiet as far as the pregnancy goes...(well I mean, the nausea's come back...haha...they always come back, don't they?) I had begun to get a little worried again. The other night I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so I tapped my snoring Danny on the shoulder and asked him to pray for the baby quickly. After he said "k", and I said a quick prayer too, I was still a little anxious. Maybe part of my worrying also comes from the fact that I haven't been eating the best that I can - and I've gotten better at drinking the fluids, but it's still not where it should be. The past two times I've seen my doctor he's told me that I need to be eating more snacks more frequently. I don't know why it's so difficult - maybe partly because of the nausea and mostly because my list of what's appetizing has become extremely small. And I'm trying on the fluid thing, but even juice seems too sweet sometimes. Anywho...anytime anyone asks me how I'm feeling lately, the only reply I can come up with is "I just feel weird" - and it's entirely true! But it's also entirely wonderful at the same time. There's just so much to be thankful for, and everytime I look at Danny, and everytime my hand brushes my tummy, I still look up and think "wha??? all this for me?"

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

9 wks, 2 days!!

So Monday I was officially 9 weeks pregnant!!!! My second scheduled appointment was yesterday - we were surprised to be able to hear the heartbeat!!! I had read that you can't start hearing the heartbeat with a dr.'s doppler until 10-12 weeks, so yay for being able to hear a LOUD and STRONG heartbeat at 9!!! I found the pic below...its supposedly what a fetus (which I don't feel bad for calling the baby, because fetus means "little one") looks like at 9 weeks. I don't have great ultrasound pics yet...I have two (one at 5 wks and one at 7), I'll post those as soon as I can, though you probably won't know what you're looking at. Next appt is in 3 weeks (Oct. 16th) - I will be 12 weeks and hopefully we'll be able to get another, clearer ultrasound! No, we are not going to find out the sex of the baby until d-day. Danny doesn't want any false "it's a boy"s or "it's a girl"s...It's kind of bummy because I'm itching to know - but again I don't want to go out thinking it's a boy and buy all this cute stuff and find out later that my girl's gonna have to be a little tomboy for a few years. :) Like I said, though, he swears up and down that it's a girl (even though he wants a little boy first). I used to be almost 100% positive it was a boy, but recently I've been having amazing dreams of holding our baby and each time it's a beautiful little girl (who smells so sweet by the way). So I don't know...God knows what He's doing.
Another thing about that. I've really become aware of how much God loves us even from the very beginning of our life. One of the hard things about being pregnant this early on is (I'm just gonna be transparent for a sec here) the huge fear that something's going to go wrong. This early on, the chance of miscarrying is greater and so it's difficult to give that up - to "let go and let God". Not being able to see the baby everyday to check up on him and not being able to feel him move around yet, or to hear the heart beating strong (except for when we visit the dr) - it all kind of makes you panic anytime you feel any abdominal discomfort or lower back pain, etc. The first week we found out that we were pregnant, I remember being so paralyzed by fear and anxiety that something was going to happen - anytime we'd go over a speed bump in the truck I'd grab onto the "oh-my-gosh" handle and put my hand on my stomach, afraid that the embryo would be knocked out or something. I know that's ridiculous, but it was an honest fear. So much so that I'd get upset at Danny for not being gentle enough over the bumps! So anyway, all that to say that it's really a test of faith - for me at least. I know that my trust in God is nowhere near where it should be...for some reason that has just kind of been torn down in the past year or so. And so it's a new lesson to rest in the fact and believe that He loves this child more than Danny or I can or will ever be able to. Right now I just find it amazing that during this time that our baby is growing and developing in my womb, our Savior is not only shaping and molding this beautiful creation, but before it ever cries or smiles or crawls or takes it's first step, our Creator is rocking and cradling His beloved, singing over the growing child, and delighting in the "new addition to His army" (as Danny always puts it ;p).
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13)

Runner

why do I run from Your feet?...

fearing to trust my hopes and my dreams

Lord that I would truly live wrecklessly!!

Cause I've believed I have no doubt

and found I doubt more than believe

when You said "come to Me"

I thought I should come freed...

are You truly my God?

or is my god truly me?

who do I trust - wholeheartedly?

I've begun to live life fearing hidden blows,

awaiting the arrows

I've been hoping little, fearing much

oh how big I thought I hoped!

oh how much I trusted YOU!!!

so much I thought I knew....

but then You asked...

why do you run from MY feet?

When I told you to -

RUN TO ME!!!!

why do you run from MY feet?

OH BELIEVE ME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW ME,

TRUST ME, FALL INTO ME!!!!

courage, love, and hope....

You whispered to me...

for those three things

I run to Your feet.

rambling at 4:20 am...

I'm not so sure why some things happen in life. Every day is so stinkin' different...at least if you open your eyes and look around you. Through it all the only thing consistent is the Lord's grace and His mercy and His LOVE. I just have to praise Him for that because HE KNOWS how changing I am and how failing I am and how utterly UNWORTHY I am. The funny thing is is that sometimes we get to looking at all these "I am"s and "I am not"s when the one true thing we're supposed to be focusing on is the very ONE who nullifies anything that we are or are not. Only He can make us something - because only the Blacksmith knows for what purpose the tool was created...our Maker is the only one who knows why He created us the way He created us. He knows for what purpose He created our quirks and our talents and even our untalents! I mean I'm pretty much just rambling here...since it IS after 4 am....but I HAVE GOT to believe that God ...that my Creator...knows what He's doing and where I am and where I am to be. Sometimes things seem so unsure and so dark, and the only thing you can see in front of you is your own foot (and even then sometimes that's hard to see!)...but I just pray that no matter how far in front of me I can see that I'll know my Savior's voice and I'll hear His voice calling through the darkness and that I'll follow Him without hesitation. He's the only one who knows the way home. There are other voices, of course, calling us "home"....but the ONLY place I EVER want to be found in is the place in which my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ resides. amen?