If I haven't mentioned it before, I've struggled with depression for the past five and a half years. Sometimes it has been worse, sometimes better, but it's always been there. Every day has been a fight - but let me back up.
I constantly replay in my mind what happened five and a half years ago to throw me, almost overnight, into a deep depression. I've discussed it with friends and family, and there are several theories.
In June of 2006 I went to China for six weeks with a group to teach English to Middle School teachers. (That's actually when I started this blog, and you can read all of my blogs leading up to China and throughout my experience there.) It was probably the single most amazing experience I have ever had, topped only by the birth of my children. Upon leaving China, the organization we went with warned us that some people experience depression upon returning home. This could partly be caused by the drastic change in environment, or from leaving such an incredible Mt. Sinai experience only to come back to normal life as it was. I was convinced that would not be an issue for me - who could be depressed after being apart of such an awesome purpose? After coming back, I returned to college within a few weeks and resumed life for about two months before the depression knocked me out of that life.
Another theory, that I have only discussed in my head, is that after coming back to college, a lot of my friendships were significantly altered. I do hesitate to say this could throw me into such a complete depression - it's hard to believe something so petty could throw me into so deep a pit, but I will also say that whether or not it was the cause of my situation, it was very hard on me. I have always felt like a loner, and even in my closer group of friends, felt on the outer ring. I was okay with this, and settled for that position, but when my even closest friendships started to dissipate, I felt very alone. I started out that year living on my own. It was in that solitary space of my efficiency apartment that the intense fear and visions would attack. It didn't take long for the depression to overcome me. I remember one night I was alone in my apartment, and the mental struggle became so intense that I ran out of my apartment and went across the street to the mall. I called my mom and broke down sobbing to her, explaining everything I had been experiencing. She advised that I get some rest for the night and leave in the morning to come home for the weekend. I knew that I couldn't stay in my apartment alone for the night, so I grabbed a few things from my apartment and left that night to return home. I stayed in San Antonio for at least a week or two, and only returned with my parents and a U-Haul to withdraw myself from college, and move my things back home. I gave up. I saw Goliath growling and snarling at me, and I looked down at my little stones, and turned and ran home.
Another theory, that I have only discussed in my head, is that after coming back to college, a lot of my friendships were significantly altered. I do hesitate to say this could throw me into such a complete depression - it's hard to believe something so petty could throw me into so deep a pit, but I will also say that whether or not it was the cause of my situation, it was very hard on me. I have always felt like a loner, and even in my closer group of friends, felt on the outer ring. I was okay with this, and settled for that position, but when my even closest friendships started to dissipate, I felt very alone. I started out that year living on my own. It was in that solitary space of my efficiency apartment that the intense fear and visions would attack. It didn't take long for the depression to overcome me. I remember one night I was alone in my apartment, and the mental struggle became so intense that I ran out of my apartment and went across the street to the mall. I called my mom and broke down sobbing to her, explaining everything I had been experiencing. She advised that I get some rest for the night and leave in the morning to come home for the weekend. I knew that I couldn't stay in my apartment alone for the night, so I grabbed a few things from my apartment and left that night to return home. I stayed in San Antonio for at least a week or two, and only returned with my parents and a U-Haul to withdraw myself from college, and move my things back home. I gave up. I saw Goliath growling and snarling at me, and I looked down at my little stones, and turned and ran home.
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