Waking up! (Part 2)

I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in college. I don't know if I would have been able to tackle the depression and finish school successfully. I ask myself "what if?" every single day. It's almost torturous to think that I could have graduated almost 5 years ago. I think back on college, and my first feeling is a sour burn in the pit of my stomach. There were so many great times in college, so many great things that God did in my life during that period of time. The sad thing? I can't bring myself to find joy in any of them, because the word stamped over every single one of them is "wasted". I was watching a video last night, and realized that for the past 5 years I have felt thrown away. I have convinced myself that somehow, somewhere, I failed, and God flunked me out. I have dug through the trash over and over again, looking for my old quizzes, looking for the one with the big red "F" stamped on it, but I can't find it and it's driving me crazy. If only I could retake it! If only I could go back and fight! If only He'd give me another chance...I'd fail again. The funny thing is, saying "I'd fail again" makes me smile. It lightens a load. Here's the truth: GOD KNEW I WOULD FAIL. He totally knew the whole time, every single thing that I was going to do. Every single decision, and every single road I was going to take. He allowed me to complete 96 credit hours at Texas A&M University - He even knew I'd get the Aggie ring! - and not graduate. And yet knowing that whole time that I was going to fail and run home, did God ever ONCE throw up His arms and say "it's not even worth it!"? Not once... My time in college was amazing. I can honestly say it was the most precious time I've ever had with my Lord. For three years, I had so much quiet time - my Bible got so literally torn up! I spent so much time with the Lord, soaking up His grace and His joy and His peace. I was romanced by Jesus. I remember so many nights where I'd just walk through campus and find a quiet place under the stars, and I would worship Him. I would pray, and then I would read and receive, and then I'd pray again, and receive some more. God poured out so much love on me, knowing that I would fall further from Him. Knowing what I would be at this moment right now, God still loved me as much as He did then. And as much as He did then, He still does today. I have wasted so much time living in the past. I can't count the times I've said "I used to be so much better", almost mournfully as if I've died! I cannot express the joy that floods my soul when I think about this: as much as God desired to pour out His love on me while I was doing great things, He desires to pour out His love on me while I'm still stuck in the mud. He did NOT leave me behind. The only reason why I can't see Him is because I'm stuck in the mud, I'm looking down, and God is NOT in the mud!!! God's been slowly trying to wake me up for the past several months. It's been a process, almost like my sight is slowly coming back, and it's thrilling. I watched this video last night and I want to post it because it gave me so much hope and started this whole thought process. It doesn't matter how many times you've read the Word, it is so scary how quickly you can fall into believing that God has forgotten you or is done with you. This video reminded me that I do not have to sit here and wait for my joy and my peace. As much as I'm hurting, I can choose to resume my marathon - chasing Jesus. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him..." (Lamentations 3:21-25)

Waking up! (Part 1)

If I haven't mentioned it before, I've struggled with depression for the past five and a half years. Sometimes it has been worse, sometimes better, but it's always been there. Every day has been a fight - but let me back up. I constantly replay in my mind what happened five and a half years ago to throw me, almost overnight, into a deep depression. I've discussed it with friends and family, and there are several theories. In June of 2006 I went to China for six weeks with a group to teach English to Middle School teachers. (That's actually when I started this blog, and you can read all of my blogs leading up to China and throughout my experience there.) It was probably the single most amazing experience I have ever had, topped only by the birth of my children. Upon leaving China, the organization we went with warned us that some people experience depression upon returning home. This could partly be caused by the drastic change in environment, or from leaving such an incredible Mt. Sinai experience only to come back to normal life as it was. I was convinced that would not be an issue for me - who could be depressed after being apart of such an awesome purpose? After coming back, I returned to college within a few weeks and resumed life for about two months before the depression knocked me out of that life.

Another theory, that I have only discussed in my head, is that after coming back to college, a lot of my friendships were significantly altered. I do hesitate to say this could throw me into such a complete depression - it's hard to believe something so petty could throw me into so deep a pit, but I will also say that whether or not it was the cause of my situation, it was very hard on me. I have always felt like a loner, and even in my closer group of friends, felt on the outer ring. I was okay with this, and settled for that position, but when my even closest friendships started to dissipate, I felt very alone. I started out that year living on my own. It was in that solitary space of my efficiency apartment that the intense fear and visions would attack. It didn't take long for the depression to overcome me. I remember one night I was alone in my apartment, and the mental struggle became so intense that I ran out of my apartment and went across the street to the mall. I called my mom and broke down sobbing to her, explaining everything I had been experiencing. She advised that I get some rest for the night and leave in the morning to come home for the weekend. I knew that I couldn't stay in my apartment alone for the night, so I grabbed a few things from my apartment and left that night to return home. I stayed in San Antonio for at least a week or two, and only returned with my parents and a U-Haul to withdraw myself from college, and move my things back home. I gave up. I saw Goliath growling and snarling at me, and I looked down at my little stones, and turned and ran home.

Next Chapter Please!

Ah HA! I remembered to blog before it hit a year since my last! WHOOP for progress! We are now (drumroll please)....ALASKANS! Yep, we did it - we moved all the way from San Antone to North Pole Alaska, home of Jolly Ol' St Nick. It is COOOLLLLD! At first, I thought it was all nice and breezy, yay for snow, yay for a White Christmas! It is now hitting single digits, some days negative numbers, and we are still only at the beginning of November. It hits as low as -60 here!! So yeah, I am getting a little nervous. I hope we are prepared for that! I'm just so excited about this new chapter. Our life has just changed drastically because of this move. I am no longer working. I started an at home daycare, but am still in the process of trying to find clients, which is slightly frustrating. I know that God will provide, because I know that God brought us here. It was very clear the way everything happened, and how smoothly everything fell into place. Within about 2-3 weeks of finding out about the job opportunity up here, Danny got the job and flew up to start. He came out by himself in order to start working and get a place for us, and I stayed in San Antonio with the girls to finish up everything down there. Danny quickly found us a beautiful 5 bedroom home to rent. We needed the extra space for an at home daycare, and it was definitely a God-send. The move has been so good for our family. Being at home has given me much more time to think about our lifestyles and habits. This past week, I got back on track with my weightloss journey, hopefully re-starting for the last time! I'm very focused and cautious this time, taking one day at a time. If you want to read more about that, you can read my weightloss blog called "Losing Me". I've also been able to slow down and take care of my family. After I had Lyssa, my work schedule changed to nights so that I could be home with the girls during the day. It was so hectic for me, to take care of the girls and house during the day, have dinner ready before I left at 4:30, and then work from 5:00 - 10:00 and sometimes later. I was always so overwhelmed and exhausted. I give so much credit to single mothers who have no choice but to work full time and still maintain their households. I had Danny, so I can't even imagine having to do that on your own. I don't know how long we'll be in Alaska. We may be here a few years and then decide to move on, or we may find that we love it here and decide to settle down here permanently. So far, I'm loving it. I definitely miss my family, and I miss the convenience of living in a large city, where there are so many options and everything is 5 minutes away. There's something to say for the simplicity of a small town, however. Especially when you only live a few miles away from Santa Claus!

Princess

For some reason Caitlyn has been on a Princess hype for the past 3 days or so. Everyday she has insisted on wearing her Cinderella dress. The first day she just woke up, as if straight out of a dream, and ran out of her room, carrying her dress and yelling "I want to be a princess!!!". She kept saying it until I put her dress on for her. As soon as she was majestically clothed, her whole demeanor changed. She stood up straight, her face glowing with the uninhibited smile of a girl who knows she is beautiful, and she began to carefully twirl around, as if she were donning the most expensive and precious garment ever made. At every mealtime, she would ask to take her dress off so that it didn't get dirty. As soon as she was finished eating, however, she'd jump out of her seat, grab her dress, and run to me yelling "I want to be a princess!!". Throughout the day I kind of took advantage of the situation, using it to correct her behavior. For example, when she grabbed a toy out of Lyssa's hands, I told her "Caitlyn, that is not how princesses act." Caitlyn immediately understood, and gave her little sister the toy back, smiling and exclaiming "here you go, Sis!". I smiled and told her "Thank you, Princess Caitlyn! What a good princess you are!". From that moment on, Caitlyn no longer just wanted to be a princess, she believed she was a princess. I called her "Princess Caitlyn" and she started to address me as "Princess Mommy". The next day, Caitlyn didn't hesitate to wake with the same aspirations for the day. Again, she wanted to be a princess, and in order to do that, she needed to put on her gown. So I obliged, and she was once again transformed into a glowing beauty. Not long after, however, Danny discovered that her dress had a fray in the bottom that was starting to tear and drag on the floor. He pulled off the dress and told her that she'd have to wait to wear her dress again until Mommy could fix it. I was in the kitchen doing dishes when I heard her world ending. She was destroyed, and just exploded with emotions. "I'm not a princess!!!" she cried. I cannot describe what those words did to my heart at that moment. Hearing my baby girl, my princess, screaming that she wasn't a princess - you could have torn my heart out and it wouldn't have felt any worse. I immediately left the kitchen, and, finding the dress, started to fix it. As her little heart was breaking, I assured her that she was a princess, and that she didn't need her dress to be one. She was not convinced until I fixed her dress and slipped it back on over her clothes. Again, her face immediately changed, and as if waking from a wonderful dream to find it all real , she exclaimed, "I AM a princess!" I watched my beautiful little girl dance happily away and felt this extreme uneasiness in my heart. My thoughts raced. Lord, how do I make my daughters believe their worth? How do I teach them to trust how valuable they are, despite what they can see or feel on the outside? How do I convince them that they are princesses, even without the dress, without the prince, without the horse-drawn carriage, without the castle? These thoughts have been weighing on me since that happened, until today when the truth just kind of came out and stung me in the middle of nowhere. For the past several years, inside my heart and my mind, I have been screaming over and over again the exact same words that Caitlyn did- "I am NOT a princess!". Now, to most women, the idea of being a princess is entirely silly, but as a Christian woman, it is the core of who we are and what we are to claim as our own. Our God is our King, and we are his daughters. We are the Princesses of God. I am God's princess, but for the past 5 years, I have been hysterically crying inside myself, exclaiming that I am not. Five years ago, I stopped going to church, and gradually stopped reading the Bible. My prayers became less frequent, and my life became less purpose-driven. I took off my princess dress, told God "I am not a princess", and walked out of the castle. I have forgotten who I am, and almost haven't cared, because I know that whoever I used to be, I'm not that girl anymore. Even if I wanted to be that girl again, I can't. I don't have my princess dress. If only Caitlyn knew what I was thinking when she was screaming out that she wasn't a princess. You are my princess! You are my beautiful, beautiful princess! You are worth far more to me than this silly dress, and the only reason I give you the dress is because of how much I love you. I give you the dress to wear so that you may see yourself the way I see you, the way I know you truly are. God did not save me because I went to church, or because I read my Bible or prayed. He didn't choose to save me because I had joy and strong faith. He saved me because I was His princess. I was His princess who didn't know my own identity. He gave me my princess dress because I was already a princess. Putting my old clothes on is not going to change the fact that I am His princess. It may change the way others see me, and it may even cause me to blend in with everyone else. But it will never change my identity as a daughter of the King. By taking off my princess dress, all I did was give up the advantages I have in being daughter of royalty. I gave up my joy, and I gave up my peace. It's been a long time since I've seen that dress. Though I let my dress suffer a little more than a simple fray, I'm pretty sure God's fixed it by now. I can see Him now, reaching into the huge wardrobe for a dress to outfit another daughter, longingly pulling mine out and setting it aside. I know He's just waiting for me to wake up and come running down the hallway yelling "I want to be a princess!!!" I also know that once I do, He will lovingly dress me in the beautiful robes of His Righteousness, and I will once again have my joy and my peace. I know that I will immediately stand up straight, my face glowing, and begin to carefully twirl around, donning the most precious garment ever made.

Growing Family

So it's been two years since my last post...I'm progressively getting worse at blogging. 

Caitlyn is now a wonderful two year old, and Ta-DA!, we have another addition. 

Lyssa Nicole Fields was born on October 7th, 2010. She weighed 7 lbs 13 oz, was 20" long, and (like her big sister) was born via c-section. The plan was to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section), but even though I was having contractions, and went almost a full day thinking I was going into labor, nothing progressed. When Lyssa was born, my OB informed me that her cord was wrapped around her neck, which was probably the reason nothing was progressing. Again, God had a reason for not giving me the birth I expected.  Caitlyn is a great big sister. She calls the baby "sissa" and is so loving. Lyssa is quickly growing up already. She is 3 1/2 months old (15 weeks old yesterday). She is so alert - there has never been a time when she's not in the mood to laugh and coo.


Danny is still an amazing Daddy - actually he's gotten much better too! Caity has become Daddy's girl. Lyssa is still Mommy's girl for now -if she's like her sister, though, around her first birthday she'll cross over to the dark side, haha. I think that's because as they get older they interact more with Daddy and like to play and be flipped around and carried on his shoulders, etc. 


Caitlyn is also a little girly-girl. She just had her 2nd birthday party, where the girls all dressed up as princesses and danced and played around. It was also my first attempt at a barbie cake. My grandmother Mulholland used to make them for us as little girls. Mine was dressed as Cinderella, and I was mucho proud of it. Not bad for my first, I'd like to think. :)

Danny and I are closer than ever. I think we understand eachother so much more. He is also growing and becoming a man's man. He encourages me when I'm discouraged, and more recently he's becoming more self-disciplined and setting a good example in that. Recently we were having a disagreement and I (not proud of it) was starting to bring up completely irrelevant things. His usual response is to get all wound up, but this time he just calmly said "you know what, you're just trying to get me going, so I'm not going to even respond to that". It actually took me by surprise and kind of put me in check, because he was completely right. This year is starting out with a lot of changes. I am starting another blog called "Losing Me". It's going to be centered around our attempt to make a major lifestyle change in the area of diet and overall health. So far Danny has lost 20 lbs. Not only have I lost all of the weight I gained with Lyssa, but also about 10 more lbs. I'm also hoping the new blog part of it will cause me to also keep this personal blog updated.

I'm so excited and so proud of our growing family. Hopefully I'll update at least a few times before we have our next child. We plan on two more - hopefully both boys...we'll see what God has planned. ;p

Now Introducing Baby Caitlyn

Have I mentioned yet that I officially suck at this blogging thing? I can never seem to keep up with it and by the time I decide to update, a year has passed and I have too much to say and not a big enough attention span to sit here and type it all. So needless to say it's been awhile, and a few things have happened. I regret that I didn't keep up with it all since the biggest thing to happen was the newest addition to our humble little family, baby Caitlyn.

Caitlyn was finally born on December 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm. She weighed 8 lbs 6.6 oz and was 19" long. She has just turned 6 weeks old this past Monday. She is beautiful and amazing I am still completely in shock over it all. We were expecting Caitlyn to come on her own sometime during the first week of December, but of course things never turn out how you expect them to. Around 36 weeks we found out that Caitlyn was still lying in a breech position, and since she was already weighing in over 6 lbs (and we expected her to be a pretty big baby), our OB prepared us for the big possibility that Caitlyn might never turn on her own. For a week or two, I tried everything I could to get Caitlyn to turn. I read up on different methods that included crawling around the house, lying with my rear-end propped up on about a foot and a half of pillows, and placing a bag of frozen vegetables on the top of my abdomen. You can imagine what Danny must've thought when he found me in the room one day with my butt propped up, frozen peas and carrots on my stomach, and a flashlight and radio in between my legs. When we found out at our next appointment that she was still lying upright, we opted to have a procedure called external cephalic version done to attempt to turn her into a head-down position. During the procedure, I would be put on meds to relax my uterus so that the Dr. could try to manually turn her from the outside. I was told the procedure had a 50% success rate, but also had risks including kicking my body into premature labor, placental abruption, fetal distress, etc.. If the procedure failed, and Caitlyn remained in a breech position (50% likely), I would need to schedule a c-section. Because I wanted to have a natural birth I decided to try, and the external version was scheduled for a week after my appointment. That weekend, however, I read into it more and also watched a few videos of it being done. I realized that if any complications arose, I would need an emergency c-section which meant I would be put under general anesthesia and would be knocked out while my baby was born. Also, because I would be under general anesthesia, Danny could not be in the room. Given that there was still a 50% chance that the procedure would fail and I would need a c-section anyway, I quickly changed my mind and decided that if God intended Caitlyn to be born vaginally then He could certainly make her turn. If not, there had to be a good reason why I was to have a c-section. So I cancelled the external version and grabbed my peas and carrots. At 38 weeks, Caitlyn was still stubborn and so a c-section was scheduled (after much much drama with the scheduler) for December 1st. The c-section was difficult, I'm not gonna lie. The epidural was a nightmare and the c-section was...extremely uncomfortable and slightly painful at times. According to the Dr, I lost 2 pints of blood, and according to Danny, he saw it splattered on the floor (which may just be his memory playing drama queen).
 

When I first heard Caitlyn crying, and when I finally got to hold her, I wish I could say it was all warm and fuzzy, but honestly it was still so surreal. The one thing I remember most of all is how great Danny was. During the c-section, he kept me focused on him and on the outcome (our baby girl). After the c-section, he totally stepped up into his role as Daddy. Since I was pretty much bed-ridden for a day or two, he took care of the dirty diapers and held her when she cried at night so that I could get sleep. I was able to nurse her, but I don't know what I would've done without him. He is such an amazing Daddy and, yes, still changes diapers. (And not just the wet ones!)

We were finally able to take Caitlyn home on December 4th. I had a very small breakdown once we got home and it all started to settle in. We have finally gotten somewhat of a routine (which will soon change once I return to work in a week and a half). It's definitely as hard as they say it is. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I still don't think I was fully prepared for the amount of mental and emotional exhaustion a baby brings. Everyday is a test in patience and COMPLETE
selflessness. I have since developed a great appreciation for the solitude and peace found in a simple 2 minute bathroom break, and a 15 minute shower has become the equivalent to a day at the spa. All in all it is so completely worth it. I know that Danny and I aren't finished, and our family is not "complete" as they put it, but right now I am completely content with Caitlyn.

I never finished or posted this so I'll post now as written. Sorry that it kind of ends on a depressing note...I promise I didn't intend on that happening...I probably got distracted with something else... So it's been awhile since I've done this thing. It's been a grueling 2 1/2 months, actually. 2 months of married life...2 1/2 months of life post m/c (miscarriage). And today is the official LAST day of the year!!!!! It's been a LONG year. Actually, it's been very short...but so much has happened. I continued to struggle through bouts of depression - going through the cycle of trying to stand, falling, trying to at least crawl, getting a foot on the ground, then stumbling again.... I also met, fell in love with, and married my best friend. We found out we were going to be parents, and then in just 2 months time found out we had lost that baby who we had already fallen so in love with. I am so looking forward to the New Year. How great a reminder of the freshness and newness there is in life with Christ? That everyday is a fresh start!!! I have to be completely honest in saying lately I've just really allowed things to pull me down. It's kind of like when your swimming, and as long as you lay back and relax, you can float. But as soon as someone or something (a burden) is set ontop of you, you cannot help but to tense up. Inevitably, you sink.