For some reason Caitlyn has been on a Princess hype for the past 3 days or so. Everyday she has insisted on wearing her Cinderella dress. The first day she just woke up, as if straight out of a dream, and ran out of her room, carrying her dress and yelling "I want to be a princess!!!". She kept saying it until I put her dress on for her. As soon as she was majestically clothed, her whole demeanor changed. She stood up straight, her face glowing with the uninhibited smile of a girl who knows she is beautiful, and she began to carefully twirl around, as if she were donning the most expensive and precious garment ever made. At every mealtime, she would ask to take her dress off so that it didn't get dirty. As soon as she was finished eating, however, she'd jump out of her seat, grab her dress, and run to me yelling "I want to be a princess!!". Throughout the day I kind of took advantage of the situation, using it to correct her behavior. For example, when she grabbed a toy out of Lyssa's hands, I told her "Caitlyn, that is
not how princesses act." Caitlyn immediately understood, and gave her little sister the toy back, smiling and exclaiming "here you go, Sis!". I smiled and told her "Thank you, Princess Caitlyn! What a good princess you are!". From that moment on, Caitlyn no longer just
wanted to be a princess, she
believed she was a princess. I called her "Princess Caitlyn" and she started to address me as "Princess Mommy". The next day, Caitlyn didn't hesitate to wake with the same aspirations for the day. Again, she wanted to be a princess, and in order to do that, she needed to put on her gown. So I obliged, and she was once again transformed into a glowing beauty. Not long after, however, Danny discovered that her dress had a fray in the bottom that was starting to tear and drag on the floor. He pulled off the dress and told her that she'd have to wait to wear her dress again until Mommy could fix it. I was in the kitchen doing dishes when I heard her world ending. She was destroyed, and just exploded with emotions. "I'm not a princess!!!" she cried. I cannot describe what those words did to my heart at that moment. Hearing my baby girl,
my princess, screaming that she wasn't a princess - you could have torn my heart out and it wouldn't have felt any worse. I immediately left the kitchen, and, finding the dress, started to fix it. As her little heart was breaking, I assured her that she
was a princess, and that she didn't need her dress to be one. She was not convinced until I fixed her dress and slipped it back on over her clothes. Again, her face immediately changed, and as if waking from a wonderful dream to find it all real , she exclaimed, "I AM a princess!" I watched my beautiful little girl dance happily away and felt this extreme uneasiness in my heart. My thoughts raced.
Lord, how do I make my daughters believe their worth? How do I teach them to trust how valuable they are, despite what they can see or feel on the outside? How do I convince them that they are
princesses, even without the dress, without the prince, without the horse-drawn carriage, without the castle? These thoughts have been weighing on me since that happened, until today when the truth just kind of came out and stung me in the middle of nowhere. For the past several years, inside my heart and my mind, I have been screaming over and over again the exact same words that Caitlyn did- "I am NOT a princess!". Now, to most women, the idea of being a princess is entirely silly, but as a Christian woman, it is the core of who we are and what we are to claim as our own. Our God is our King, and we are his daughters. We are the Princesses of God. I am God's princess, but for the past 5 years, I have been hysterically crying inside myself, exclaiming that I am not. Five years ago, I stopped going to church, and gradually stopped reading the Bible. My prayers became less frequent, and my life became less purpose-driven. I took off my princess dress, told God "I am not a princess", and walked out of the castle. I have forgotten who I am, and almost haven't cared, because I know that whoever I used to be, I'm not that girl anymore. Even if I wanted to be that girl again, I can't. I don't have my princess dress.
If only Caitlyn knew what I was thinking when she was screaming out that she wasn't a princess.
You are my princess! You are my beautiful, beautiful princess! You are worth far more to me than this silly dress, and the only reason I give you the dress is because of how much I love you. I give you the dress to wear so that you may see yourself the way I see you, the way I know you truly are.
God did not save me
because I went to church, or because I read my Bible or prayed. He didn't choose to save me because I had joy and strong faith. He saved me because I was His princess. I was His princess who didn't know my own identity. He gave me my princess dress
because I was already a princess.
Putting my old clothes on is not going to change the fact that I am His princess. It may change the way others see me, and it may even cause me to blend in with everyone else. But it will never change my identity as a daughter of the King. By taking off my princess dress, all I did was give up the advantages I have in being daughter of royalty. I gave up my joy, and I gave up my peace.
It's been a long time since I've seen that dress. Though I let my dress suffer a little more than a simple fray, I'm pretty sure God's fixed it by now. I can see Him now, reaching into the huge wardrobe for a dress to outfit another daughter, longingly pulling mine out and setting it aside. I know He's just waiting for me to wake up and come running down the hallway yelling "I want to be a princess!!!" I also know that once I do, He will lovingly dress me in the beautiful robes of His Righteousness, and I will once again have my joy and my peace. I know that I will immediately stand up straight, my face glowing, and begin to carefully twirl around, donning the most precious garment ever made.
I'm just so excited about this new chapter. Our life has just changed drastically because of this move. I am no longer working. I started an at home daycare, but am still in the process of trying to find clients, which is slightly frustrating. I know that God will provide, because I know that God brought us here. It was very clear the way everything happened, and how smoothly everything fell into place. Within about 2-3 weeks of finding out about the job opportunity up here, Danny got the job and flew up to start. He came out by himself in order to start working and get a place for us, and I stayed in San Antonio with the girls to finish up everything down there. Danny quickly found us a beautiful 5 bedroom home to rent. We needed the extra space for an at home daycare, and it was definitely a God-send.
The move has been so good for our family. Being at home has given me much more time to think about our lifestyles and habits. This past week, I got back on track with my weightloss journey, hopefully re-starting for the last time! I'm very focused and cautious this time, taking one day at a time. If you want to read more about that, you can read my weightloss blog called "Losing Me".
I've also been able to slow down and take care of my family. After I had Lyssa, my work schedule changed to nights so that I could be home with the girls during the day. It was so hectic for me, to take care of the girls and house during the day, have dinner ready before I left at 4:30, and then work from 5:00 - 10:00 and sometimes later. I was always so overwhelmed and exhausted. I give so much credit to single mothers who have no choice but to work full time and still maintain their households. I had Danny, so I can't even imagine having to do that on your own.
I don't know how long we'll be in Alaska. We may be here a few years and then decide to move on, or we may find that we love it here and decide to settle down here permanently. So far, I'm loving it. I definitely miss my family, and I miss the convenience of living in a large city, where there are so many options and everything is 5 minutes away. There's something to say for the simplicity of a small town, however. Especially when you only live a few miles away from Santa Claus!
