Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Waking up! (Part 2)

I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in college. I don't know if I would have been able to tackle the depression and finish school successfully. I ask myself "what if?" every single day. It's almost torturous to think that I could have graduated almost 5 years ago. I think back on college, and my first feeling is a sour burn in the pit of my stomach. There were so many great times in college, so many great things that God did in my life during that period of time. The sad thing? I can't bring myself to find joy in any of them, because the word stamped over every single one of them is "wasted". I was watching a video last night, and realized that for the past 5 years I have felt thrown away. I have convinced myself that somehow, somewhere, I failed, and God flunked me out. I have dug through the trash over and over again, looking for my old quizzes, looking for the one with the big red "F" stamped on it, but I can't find it and it's driving me crazy. If only I could retake it! If only I could go back and fight! If only He'd give me another chance...I'd fail again. The funny thing is, saying "I'd fail again" makes me smile. It lightens a load. Here's the truth: GOD KNEW I WOULD FAIL. He totally knew the whole time, every single thing that I was going to do. Every single decision, and every single road I was going to take. He allowed me to complete 96 credit hours at Texas A&M University - He even knew I'd get the Aggie ring! - and not graduate. And yet knowing that whole time that I was going to fail and run home, did God ever ONCE throw up His arms and say "it's not even worth it!"? Not once... My time in college was amazing. I can honestly say it was the most precious time I've ever had with my Lord. For three years, I had so much quiet time - my Bible got so literally torn up! I spent so much time with the Lord, soaking up His grace and His joy and His peace. I was romanced by Jesus. I remember so many nights where I'd just walk through campus and find a quiet place under the stars, and I would worship Him. I would pray, and then I would read and receive, and then I'd pray again, and receive some more. God poured out so much love on me, knowing that I would fall further from Him. Knowing what I would be at this moment right now, God still loved me as much as He did then. And as much as He did then, He still does today. I have wasted so much time living in the past. I can't count the times I've said "I used to be so much better", almost mournfully as if I've died! I cannot express the joy that floods my soul when I think about this: as much as God desired to pour out His love on me while I was doing great things, He desires to pour out His love on me while I'm still stuck in the mud. He did NOT leave me behind. The only reason why I can't see Him is because I'm stuck in the mud, I'm looking down, and God is NOT in the mud!!! God's been slowly trying to wake me up for the past several months. It's been a process, almost like my sight is slowly coming back, and it's thrilling. I watched this video last night and I want to post it because it gave me so much hope and started this whole thought process. It doesn't matter how many times you've read the Word, it is so scary how quickly you can fall into believing that God has forgotten you or is done with you. This video reminded me that I do not have to sit here and wait for my joy and my peace. As much as I'm hurting, I can choose to resume my marathon - chasing Jesus. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him..." (Lamentations 3:21-25)

Waking up! (Part 1)

If I haven't mentioned it before, I've struggled with depression for the past five and a half years. Sometimes it has been worse, sometimes better, but it's always been there. Every day has been a fight - but let me back up. I constantly replay in my mind what happened five and a half years ago to throw me, almost overnight, into a deep depression. I've discussed it with friends and family, and there are several theories. In June of 2006 I went to China for six weeks with a group to teach English to Middle School teachers. (That's actually when I started this blog, and you can read all of my blogs leading up to China and throughout my experience there.) It was probably the single most amazing experience I have ever had, topped only by the birth of my children. Upon leaving China, the organization we went with warned us that some people experience depression upon returning home. This could partly be caused by the drastic change in environment, or from leaving such an incredible Mt. Sinai experience only to come back to normal life as it was. I was convinced that would not be an issue for me - who could be depressed after being apart of such an awesome purpose? After coming back, I returned to college within a few weeks and resumed life for about two months before the depression knocked me out of that life.

Another theory, that I have only discussed in my head, is that after coming back to college, a lot of my friendships were significantly altered. I do hesitate to say this could throw me into such a complete depression - it's hard to believe something so petty could throw me into so deep a pit, but I will also say that whether or not it was the cause of my situation, it was very hard on me. I have always felt like a loner, and even in my closer group of friends, felt on the outer ring. I was okay with this, and settled for that position, but when my even closest friendships started to dissipate, I felt very alone. I started out that year living on my own. It was in that solitary space of my efficiency apartment that the intense fear and visions would attack. It didn't take long for the depression to overcome me. I remember one night I was alone in my apartment, and the mental struggle became so intense that I ran out of my apartment and went across the street to the mall. I called my mom and broke down sobbing to her, explaining everything I had been experiencing. She advised that I get some rest for the night and leave in the morning to come home for the weekend. I knew that I couldn't stay in my apartment alone for the night, so I grabbed a few things from my apartment and left that night to return home. I stayed in San Antonio for at least a week or two, and only returned with my parents and a U-Haul to withdraw myself from college, and move my things back home. I gave up. I saw Goliath growling and snarling at me, and I looked down at my little stones, and turned and ran home.