Waking up! (Part 2)

I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in college. I don't know if I would have been able to tackle the depression and finish school successfully. I ask myself "what if?" every single day. It's almost torturous to think that I could have graduated almost 5 years ago. I think back on college, and my first feeling is a sour burn in the pit of my stomach. There were so many great times in college, so many great things that God did in my life during that period of time. The sad thing? I can't bring myself to find joy in any of them, because the word stamped over every single one of them is "wasted". I was watching a video last night, and realized that for the past 5 years I have felt thrown away. I have convinced myself that somehow, somewhere, I failed, and God flunked me out. I have dug through the trash over and over again, looking for my old quizzes, looking for the one with the big red "F" stamped on it, but I can't find it and it's driving me crazy. If only I could retake it! If only I could go back and fight! If only He'd give me another chance...I'd fail again. The funny thing is, saying "I'd fail again" makes me smile. It lightens a load. Here's the truth: GOD KNEW I WOULD FAIL. He totally knew the whole time, every single thing that I was going to do. Every single decision, and every single road I was going to take. He allowed me to complete 96 credit hours at Texas A&M University - He even knew I'd get the Aggie ring! - and not graduate. And yet knowing that whole time that I was going to fail and run home, did God ever ONCE throw up His arms and say "it's not even worth it!"? Not once... My time in college was amazing. I can honestly say it was the most precious time I've ever had with my Lord. For three years, I had so much quiet time - my Bible got so literally torn up! I spent so much time with the Lord, soaking up His grace and His joy and His peace. I was romanced by Jesus. I remember so many nights where I'd just walk through campus and find a quiet place under the stars, and I would worship Him. I would pray, and then I would read and receive, and then I'd pray again, and receive some more. God poured out so much love on me, knowing that I would fall further from Him. Knowing what I would be at this moment right now, God still loved me as much as He did then. And as much as He did then, He still does today. I have wasted so much time living in the past. I can't count the times I've said "I used to be so much better", almost mournfully as if I've died! I cannot express the joy that floods my soul when I think about this: as much as God desired to pour out His love on me while I was doing great things, He desires to pour out His love on me while I'm still stuck in the mud. He did NOT leave me behind. The only reason why I can't see Him is because I'm stuck in the mud, I'm looking down, and God is NOT in the mud!!! God's been slowly trying to wake me up for the past several months. It's been a process, almost like my sight is slowly coming back, and it's thrilling. I watched this video last night and I want to post it because it gave me so much hope and started this whole thought process. It doesn't matter how many times you've read the Word, it is so scary how quickly you can fall into believing that God has forgotten you or is done with you. This video reminded me that I do not have to sit here and wait for my joy and my peace. As much as I'm hurting, I can choose to resume my marathon - chasing Jesus. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him..." (Lamentations 3:21-25)