Waiting for April: The Hope

This post has been on my heart for awhile now, and I have so much to say on this topic.  I figured I should probably put it to words finally, especially since we are quickly approaching the 7th anniversary of the day we lost our baby (whom we refer to as April simply because she was due in April).  Please click on the link at the bottom to continue reading through the second (and third) parts.

Over a year ago, I wrote a song about the experience of finding out we were pregnant for the first time, then losing the precious baby we had already fallen in love with.

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"Waiting for April"

It was early September,

young love, young dreams, young plans running wild

Found out, with a smile on my face,

new hope of a new life growing inside

So I sat there, waiting for April.

Well, it was the first time I had something to lose (and I lost it)

And I know that seasons change, we all have to let go (at sometime)

But God You know, it was the hardest letting go

to let go of April

You know and I know this life is temporary,

but only God knows how many Januarys,

seasons, come and go over and over again

they say time heals, but God when will the pain end?

These winter deaths can chill you to the bone

but just hold on, 'cause someday we'll all go home.

On that day, when I meet Jesus face to face

I'd like to think He'll say

would you like to meet your baby?

and my April will come running to me...

But until then, I'll be dreaming of April.

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September of 2007 was such a joyful month for Danny and I.  We were planning and preparing for our wedding in October, eager to start our life together.  Life was extremely simple back then in our tiny one bedroom apartment, and full of so many dreams and possibilities.  Of course there were the typical frustrations that come with a new relationship.  Learning each others habits (the good, the bad, and the ugly), paired with the very meager income that we earned from contracting jobs, we definitely faced the unique challenges that come with that season of life.  Still, it didn't stop us from being young and silly.  We had water fights in the kitchen, spaghetti picnics on the living room floor, ate lunch everyday at work together, and spent a lot of time laughing.  When we found out we were pregnant, it was absolutely the happiest moment of my life.  Telling Danny was also one of the more ridiculous moments of my life.

Danny was out walking our puppy, so I decided to run in and test while he was out.  I honestly expected it to be negative, but as usual that voice of the childlike dreamer in the back of my mind was grinning giddily and hoping otherwise.  When I saw those two pink lines immediately pop up, I jumped up and down, stifling my screams of excitement in case Danny walked back in.  Then I scrambled, trying to quickly think of a cute and witty way to tell him the news.  He was going to be a Daddy!  

I'd seen those fun announcements where the woman has "Baby on Board" written on her tummy, so I went with that.  As I ran around the apartment searching for something to write with, I imagined how it would go down:

Danny returns from walking the dog.  With a strictly serious face, I casually mention that something is on my stomach, and can he please look at it to see if it looks normal.  Concerned, he agrees, and I smoothly lift my shirt to reveal the message.  A choir of angels start singing as Danny's face lights up with joy and joyously twirls me around as we both laugh, overcome with excitement.  

 Now where was a stinkin' marker when you needed one?  I was running out of time, and the only thing I could find was a green magic marker, so I flipped the cap off, wrote the message, put my shirt back down, and jumped on the bed just as I heard Danny walking through the door.  I must've been sitting there with an idiotic smile on my face, (I couldn't stop smiling as hard as I tried), because Danny stopped in the doorway, raised an eyebrow and said "you're pregnant, aren't you?".  My smile faded and my mouth dropped, "How did you know?!"  His eyes widened when he realized that he was right, and sheepishly I started to tell him how the news was supposed to be delivered as I lifted up my shirt to show him the message.  Upon seeing my stomach he recoiled in horror, pointing as he said "What is wrong with your stomach?!"  I ran to look in the mirror and broke out laughing when I saw what Danny probably believed was an early symptom of pregnancy:  the green magic marker had smeared, revealing not a message, but a huge swirl of hazy green tint surrounding my belly button. 

The next several weeks were a haze of wedding planning and dreaming of our future baby.  I was consumed with the pregnancy, constantly daydreaming about our baby.  Was it a girl or a boy?  What would we name him/her?  Would he/she look more like Danny, or me?  The excitement was overwhelming.  You can read just a hint of it in old blogs posted here.  Here's something I wrote when I was about 11 weeks pregnant:

"There's just so much to be thankful for, and every time I look at Danny, and every time my hand brushes my tummy, I still look up and think "wha??? all this for me?" 

I was the luckiest girl in the world.  The hope that I had for the future was blindingly bright.  After feeling like a loner for much of my life, I was now being showered with a family of my own.  It seemed too good to be true that God was blessing me, and I could not wait to meet our baby in April.  

Click here to read Part 2: The Loss