This is the conclusion of a three part entry. If you haven't read the first two parts of this, please click here for Part 1: The Hope and here for Part 2: The Loss.
Seven years later, I still mourn the loss of April. Even after seven years and two beautiful daughters, when I think about April something deep within the pit of me aches in a way that I'll never be able to explain. Seven years later, and I still question God. I don't believe I'll ever have closure here on earth, not until I meet my child in heaven and finally get to hold her for the first time. I dream of that day. I dream of April. But I'm not waiting for April anymore.
This sensation isn't limited to miscarriage or loss of life, either. How many of us have "April"s that we're waiting for? A dream, a hope, a promise, a comeuppance that we believe is headed our way? We invest so much of our time and our thoughts, consumed in a fantasy of what it's going to be like. How much better life will be when it happens!
But what does waiting even mean - putting things on hold? What are we putting on hold? Life?
We live in tomorrow, resting all of our faith and joy on this one hope. We'd be better at this, if only we had that. We'll finally be able to do this, once we have that.
What's that? You want to meet and catch up? Nope, sorry, I don't have time to meet and chat about today, I've got to get things ready for tomorrow!
Before we know it, today has been wasted, and the only thing we have to show for it are plans - lists we've composed to prepare for the future, a vast assortment of great ideas we've pinned on Pinterest but we're hardly ever ready to actually attempt, and just another day full of trudging through to get to tomorrow. (*Note: I am a HUGE fan of Pinterest, by the way, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. It is a more than helpful tool I use for homeschooling, and I have found a plethora of ideas that are great if used. Key words: if used.)
There's a popular meme that circulates through Facebook quite often, in several different forms.
First let me say that I totally get the "hallway" feeling, and I've definitely felt it in my personal life. Also compared to a "waiting room", I felt it with every negative pregnancy test I took in the six months following our loss. Shoot, I feel it now as we get ready to transition from living here in Greece to finding out where we'll end up next.
What bothers me is that I've never been in a hallway that I wanted to live in. I mean, most of the hallways in these memes don't even have chairs to sit down and rest!
...And some look like they're straight out of a horror movie! (You know the ones where they always run into the stairwell? Seriously, who thinks that's a good idea? If you're going up, you'd better be really good at climbing stairs because personally, I'd be slowing down after two stories. If you're going down, I've tripped over less than that, and I wasn't running for my life!)
The very definition of a hallway is a passageway or route to get to somewhere else. While I appreciate the message of praising God in the midst of any situation, I'm not so sure God wants us living in hallways, simply en route to another destination. I hope I don't lose you here, but what is so wrong with the here and now that we don't even consider it a "room" in itself? God is here and now, am I wrong? What is in the future that we are grasping at, striving for?
I know what you're thinking: "But doesn't Paul say that he 'strains towards what lies ahead'?" Yes, he does. Paul is saying not to become complacent, but complacency is not what I'm selling here.
What I'm talking about it grasping at tomorrow for the sake of escaping today. Where do we think we are headed that is better than the here and now, and why will it be better? Were we promised tomorrow? And if tomorrow doesn't come, does that mean we died in the "hallway"? Did God really plan for us to die en route to another room?
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I think it is wise to be prepared and to know where you are going, and I think it's a God given emotion to feel excited about the future (especially pregnancy!), but when we set our hearts and our joy into the fulfillment of those plans I believe we've elevated them beyond mere "planning" and ventured dangerously close to idolizing some ideal that we are reaching for.
When we discard today as merely a "hallway", instead of taking the opportunity to look around us and see what a rich and lavish life we have already been given (non materialistically), then it begs to question what more, exactly, do we think we deserve? And why do we think that? And if it's taken away does it shake our faith? And why? If it's taken away, is Jesus still Jesus? Is God still the Alpha and Omega, the One who was there at the beginning, and the One who knows the end, who stands with His hand outstretched, asking us to follow Him along a path that He's set, even if He turns us in the opposite direction of our dream destination?
As of this moment in life, I desire to have more children. After three years, that still hasn't happened. It might happen one day. Maybe next year, maybe in 5 years. Guess what? Right now, I have two beautiful daughters who fill my home with laughter. Right now, I have a husband who I love more with each passing day. But most importantly, right now and for the rest of eternity, I have a God who loves me, wants the best of the best for me, and has it all in His hands.
Aren't you tired of waiting for things to happen? Aren't you tired of abandoning your joy to a dream that may or may not come to fruition? What if we placed those dreams in God's hands, and abandoned ourselves to Him instead? What if we threw off the cares of tomorrow, and chased after Him today?
What if your April never comes?
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)
Seven years later, I still mourn the loss of April. Even after seven years and two beautiful daughters, when I think about April something deep within the pit of me aches in a way that I'll never be able to explain. Seven years later, and I still question God. I don't believe I'll ever have closure here on earth, not until I meet my child in heaven and finally get to hold her for the first time. I dream of that day. I dream of April. But I'm not waiting for April anymore.
This sensation isn't limited to miscarriage or loss of life, either. How many of us have "April"s that we're waiting for? A dream, a hope, a promise, a comeuppance that we believe is headed our way? We invest so much of our time and our thoughts, consumed in a fantasy of what it's going to be like. How much better life will be when it happens!
But what does waiting even mean - putting things on hold? What are we putting on hold? Life?
We live in tomorrow, resting all of our faith and joy on this one hope. We'd be better at this, if only we had that. We'll finally be able to do this, once we have that.
What's that? You want to meet and catch up? Nope, sorry, I don't have time to meet and chat about today, I've got to get things ready for tomorrow!
Before we know it, today has been wasted, and the only thing we have to show for it are plans - lists we've composed to prepare for the future, a vast assortment of great ideas we've pinned on Pinterest but we're hardly ever ready to actually attempt, and just another day full of trudging through to get to tomorrow. (*Note: I am a HUGE fan of Pinterest, by the way, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. It is a more than helpful tool I use for homeschooling, and I have found a plethora of ideas that are great if used. Key words: if used.)
There's a popular meme that circulates through Facebook quite often, in several different forms.
First let me say that I totally get the "hallway" feeling, and I've definitely felt it in my personal life. Also compared to a "waiting room", I felt it with every negative pregnancy test I took in the six months following our loss. Shoot, I feel it now as we get ready to transition from living here in Greece to finding out where we'll end up next.
What bothers me is that I've never been in a hallway that I wanted to live in. I mean, most of the hallways in these memes don't even have chairs to sit down and rest!
...And some look like they're straight out of a horror movie! (You know the ones where they always run into the stairwell? Seriously, who thinks that's a good idea? If you're going up, you'd better be really good at climbing stairs because personally, I'd be slowing down after two stories. If you're going down, I've tripped over less than that, and I wasn't running for my life!)
The very definition of a hallway is a passageway or route to get to somewhere else. While I appreciate the message of praising God in the midst of any situation, I'm not so sure God wants us living in hallways, simply en route to another destination. I hope I don't lose you here, but what is so wrong with the here and now that we don't even consider it a "room" in itself? God is here and now, am I wrong? What is in the future that we are grasping at, striving for?
I know what you're thinking: "But doesn't Paul say that he 'strains towards what lies ahead'?" Yes, he does. Paul is saying not to become complacent, but complacency is not what I'm selling here.
What I'm talking about it grasping at tomorrow for the sake of escaping today. Where do we think we are headed that is better than the here and now, and why will it be better? Were we promised tomorrow? And if tomorrow doesn't come, does that mean we died in the "hallway"? Did God really plan for us to die en route to another room?
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I think it is wise to be prepared and to know where you are going, and I think it's a God given emotion to feel excited about the future (especially pregnancy!), but when we set our hearts and our joy into the fulfillment of those plans I believe we've elevated them beyond mere "planning" and ventured dangerously close to idolizing some ideal that we are reaching for.
When we discard today as merely a "hallway", instead of taking the opportunity to look around us and see what a rich and lavish life we have already been given (non materialistically), then it begs to question what more, exactly, do we think we deserve? And why do we think that? And if it's taken away does it shake our faith? And why? If it's taken away, is Jesus still Jesus? Is God still the Alpha and Omega, the One who was there at the beginning, and the One who knows the end, who stands with His hand outstretched, asking us to follow Him along a path that He's set, even if He turns us in the opposite direction of our dream destination?
As of this moment in life, I desire to have more children. After three years, that still hasn't happened. It might happen one day. Maybe next year, maybe in 5 years. Guess what? Right now, I have two beautiful daughters who fill my home with laughter. Right now, I have a husband who I love more with each passing day. But most importantly, right now and for the rest of eternity, I have a God who loves me, wants the best of the best for me, and has it all in His hands.
Aren't you tired of waiting for things to happen? Aren't you tired of abandoning your joy to a dream that may or may not come to fruition? What if we placed those dreams in God's hands, and abandoned ourselves to Him instead? What if we threw off the cares of tomorrow, and chased after Him today?
What if your April never comes?
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)
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